


The Dinner Party

by WrathoftheStag (Mwuahna)



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/M, Friendship, Future Fic, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Shardo, background ranskov, bitty is a food snob, culinary hijinks, food fic, holster is not picky, jack is canadian and polite, shitty is wearing a monocle, the samwell six, vintage food, zimbits - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-16 18:56:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16500902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mwuahna/pseuds/WrathoftheStag
Summary: Shitty and Lardo throw a dinner party for their friends--but it's a little more than what Bitty, Jack, Ransom, and Holster bargained for.





	The Dinner Party

**Author's Note:**

> The recipes below are based on actual vintage recipes featured in the Betty Crocker Recipe Card Library, the Weight Watchers recipe cards, and McCall's Great American Recipe Card Collection.

Lardo examined the aisles slowly. If she could find an old Brownie camera in working condition, even if it was all dinged up, she’d be a happy camper. Her friend, Sondra, had mentioned seeing one at that particular vintage mall and Lardo hoped it would still be there.

Shitty and Lardo strolled by the various booths, pausing every so often as Shitty provided various humorous commentary on all of the wares.

“I think we should buy these Flintstone glasses,” Shitty said as he held up a perfect Bam-Bam. “We’ll have a yabba dabba good time drinking out of these.”

“I’m pretty sure we had those when I was a kid,” Lardo said as he looked at the Dino cup.

“Sweet! I’m jelly. We didn’t, obviously. They probably clashed with the Waterford,” Shitty replied. He contemplated the glass a little further and said, “Okay, let’s put a pin on this purchase.”

“Right. Focus! Look for that camera, Shitty,” Lardo said as her eyes swept across the landscape before her. 

“Maybe we should split up? Soni said toward the back of the place, right? So let’s walk to the back. You’ll go left and I’ll go right.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Lardo said as she threw some finger guns in Shitty’s direction.

She was looking at a velvet painting of cats on a merry-go-round when she heard Shitty squeal. Lardo followed the noise and ran over thinking that maybe he had found the camera. 

He bounced up and down with glee as he clutched something in his hands.

“What? What is it?” She asked excitedly.

He held up an old battered tin box as his grin grew wide and wider still. The box was avocado green and had a loud yellow flower pattern on it.

She raised her eyebrow. “Yeah, and?”

“Behold, milady... Pandora’s recipe box.”

Lardo peered inside as Shitty opened it. The two locked eyes and smiled the most wicked of all smiles.

“We’re hosting a motherfucking dinner party,” Shitty said resolutely.

 

**+++**

“Comestibles is it?” Bitty said with a smile as he looked over the invitation. “And I’m impressed it’s printed and not just some cheap _Evite_.”

Jack read over Bitty’s shoulder.

“So I have to wear a game day suit? Really? To go to Shitty and Lardo’s?”

“Now I can’t see you, but I can practically feel the frown from here,” Bitty said as he put the invitation back into its envelope.

“Did they mention they were going to throw a party?” Jack asked and wrapped his arms around Bitty.

Bitty turned around excitedly. “Nope. I wonder what’s going on? Do you think they got engaged?!”

Jack shook his head. “I don’t think so. We would have heard by now. You know Shitty can’t hold a secret to save his life. Not that kind of secret, anyway.”

“I’m so excited! I’m going to call Lardo and see what I could bring.”

Jack walked over to the fridge as Bitty called Lardo. He helped himself to a slice of quiche leftover from that morning’s breakfast.

“Hey, lady! I just got the invitation! Fancy-schmancy, huh?” Bitty asked as he leaned against the kitchen counter.

Jack was about to take a forkful of quiche, when Bitty covered the phone and shook his head as he whispered, “Honey, please don’t eat that cold.”

Jack smiled as he took a bite and winked at Bitty.

Bitty rolled his eyes with a fond smile. 

“So first thing’s first. What can I bring?”

Jack ate quietly as he witnessed Bitty’s face journey. 

“Oh? Really? Nothing?” Bitty paused. “Are you sure? Like sure-sure?”

Jack looked at Bitty with raised eyebrows.

“Well, if you’re sure,” Bitty said with a confused shrug. “Um... Jack wants to know if he really needs to wear a suit? He is? Wow! So fun! Okay, well let me know if you change your mind or anything.”

“What’s up?” Jack asked.

“She said they have it all covered. They're making everything--desserts, too.” 

Bitty folded his arms in front of his chest and shrugged.

“And Lardo said definitely a suit, for both of us. Shitty is wearing a smoking jacket, apparently.”

Jack laughed. “I mean, why wouldn’t he?”

**+++**

Jack and Bitty pulled in front of Shitty and Lardo’s place and noticed that Ransom and Holster’s cars were already there. 

“How do I look?” Bitty asked as he adjusted his bowtie.

“Beautiful,” Jack said with a soft smile.

Bitty smiled back and leaned across the car to give Jack a quick peck.

“You know, I feel so weird not having a pie dish in my hands,” Bitty said. 

“You’ll be fine, Bits,” Jack replied and tangled his fingers with Bitty’s as they walked toward the front door. 

Lardo greeted them dressed in what could only be described as Lucy Ricardo meets Art School Goth. 

She had her hair done up in a twist, wore a pair of vintage red cat-eye glasses, and a voluminous 1960’s style dress in black and white. She topped the entire look off with black lipstick.

“Gentlemen,” she said as she twirled. He mounds of petticoats _whooshed_ as Bitty clapped.

“You look amazing!”

“Thank you, and welcome. Mr. Knight, kindly take our guests coats, please.” 

Shitty appeared wearing a dark red smoking jacket, tied snuggly at the waist. His hair was combed neatly and it appeared his mustache was pomaded. And he had on an honest-to-goodness monocle

“Mr. Zimmermann, Mr. Bittle,” Shitty said and motioned for their coats.

“Look at you,” Bitty beamed. “Y’all are going all out tonight, huh?”

Jack smirked. “Where’d you get the jacket?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Jacko,” Shitty said with a wink. “I’m gonna plop these on the bed, and be back in jiffy.”

Ransom and Holster sat in the living room, each with a martini glass in hand.

“Dudes, welcome to the party,” Ransom called out and raised his glass toward Jack and Bitty.

“You look very handsome, Justin. Very 007,” Bitty said. 

Ransom preened a little as Holster bellowed, “And I suppose I’m chopped liver?”

“You look spiffy and handsome as well,” Bitty replied as Jack smiled.

Jack and Bitty settled onto the couch and caught up with Ransom and Holster. Even though they all lived so close to one another, it was hard to get together as often as they liked. 

“So what’s on the menu for the evening?” Jack called out from the living room, while Lardo and Shitty puttered around in the kitchen.

Shitty walked out from the kitchen with a tray of something or another. He adjusted his monocle, and Jack inadvertently let out a laugh.

“It’s a surprise. But I will say it is going to be six courses of ‘swawesome,” Shitty said as he lowered a tray onto the coffee table. “Horse derve?”

Bitty happily leaned toward the table. “Ooo.” 

Then paused when he noticed it was a bowl of what appeared to be Chex Mix. 

Ransom and Holster happily took a handful.

“I love Chex Mix!” Holster said in between mouthfuls. “The best hors d'oeuvres, hands down.” 

Jack smiled and took a few as Bitty glared at it until Jack gently gave him an elbow to the side.

“Thanks, Shitty,” Bitty replied.

Lardo emerged from the kitchen and locked eyes with Shitty. 

“We all set?” He asked.

“Gentlemen, dinner is ready,” she replied with a bow.

Shitty jumped from the couch and raced toward their dining room.

“This way, please,” he called from the doorjamb.

The group entered Lardo and Shitty’s dining room which was done in a beautiful Mid-Century modern decor. The long pale wood dining room table was flanked by various brightly colored molded plywood chairs. Candlesticks sat on each end of the table, and some vintage Bossanova streamed through the room.

“You have place cards and everything!” Bitty exclaimed.

“This will be a night to remember,” Lardo called out and winked at Shitty. “Mr. Knight, would you care to introduce the evening.”

“Abso-fucking-lutely, my dear,” Shitty replied. “Gentlebrahs, tonight’s meal will include six courses. We asked that you open your mind and your palette as you partake in culinary wonders your eyes may have read about, but your mouths have ever enjoyed.”

Ransom and Holster high five each other and looked giddy. 

“Bring it,” Ransom called out.

“Is it molecular gastronomy? It is, isn’t it?” Bitty clapped.

“Is there a lot of protein?” Jack asked with a laugh as everyone else booed him.

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Lardo called out as Shitty got up and headed to the kitchen.

.

  


The two returned and each carried a long tray.

“First course, mushroom canapes,” Shitty said.

Lardo and Shitty placed their trays on opposite ends of the table… and were met with quizzical looks.

“Well… look at those mushrooms,” Jack said.

Lardo and Shitty smiled broadly and sat down.

Each plate had six saltine crackers, whereupon sat three slices of mushroom and a tiny dribble of what appeared to be…

“Ketchup?” Holster said as his tongue flicked out to taste the sauce.

“Totes!” Shitty said. “Bon appetit!”

Bitty looked around the room and watched as everyone took two crackers and placed them on their plate.

He gingerly took two and held one up to his nose. 

“Are these button mushrooms, from a--” he asked after he took a tiny whiff.

“Yep! From a can!” Shitty replied and took a bite.

“How interesting,” Bitty said. “I’m sure it’s lovely.”

Lardo snorted. “Don’t be such a snob, Bitty.”

Bitty frowned and ate the cracker. All six of them ate in silence.

“Here’s a little trivia for you,” Shitty said as he leaned back in his chair. “Canned mushrooms can have, and I quote, ‘over 20 or more maggots of any size per 100 grams of drained mushrooms and proportionate liquid’ before the FDA steps in to do something. How you like them apples?”

The sound of Bitty’s cracker hitting the plate filled the room.

“Now that was just a little something-something to start our evening, we’ll move on to the second course,” Shitty added.

Lardo placed a small bowl in front of everyone as Shitty walked behind her with a pepper grinder.

“Made from the finest ingredients, the cold tomato soup contains tomatoes, carrots, celery, beets, parsley, lettuce, watercress, and spinach.”

“That sounds very healthy,” Jack said. 

“Uh-huh. It’s basically a bottle of V-8 with a squeeze of lime,” Lardo said with a smile. “No lie.”

Ransom and Holster looked at each other. Then Holster, inexplicably, raised his hand. 

“Do we eat it, or drink it?” he asked.

“Eat it, of course. We’re not animals, Holster,” Lardo said as she placed her napkin in her lap.

Shitty took a dainty spoonful and said, “Nom nom nom.”

Bitty looked at Jack who took his spoon and nodded imperceptibly. Bitty’s tiny sigh was heard and Shitty and Lardo grinned as they continued to eat.

“It’s almost like gazpacho,” Ransom said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. 

Just then, Shitty shot up from his chair. “Wait! I forgot something!” 

He ran back into the kitchen and returned with a small plate and a pair of tongs. He then ran around the table and plopped a slice of lime on top of each bowl.

“Couldn’t forget the lime,” he called out and winked at Lardo as he settled back down.

The sounds of tiny slurps filled the dining room as _Girl from Ipanema_ played in the background.

“How’s the new account going, Rans?” Bitty asked.

“It’s good! I didn’t think they were going to go with us--”

“But then,” Holster interrupted, “Rans over here pulled out the Oluransi Charm and explained why they should go with us and then, bam! They went with us! Tater took us out to celebrate that night. It was ‘swawesome!”

Ransom blushed and shoved at Holster.

“I mean, why wouldn’t they?” Bitty said with a smile. “You two are the best!”

“Speaking of the best, is everyone ready for the next course?” Shitty called out as he and Lardo cleared the soup bowls.

“Yes,” Ransom, Holster and Jack replied as Bitty said, “Maybe?”

The oven beeped, and Lardo smiled. 

“Perfect timing, dude! Shitty, I got them. Be right back.” 

“No, no, I’ll help! They’re my babies, after all,” Shitty replied as the two disappeared into the kitchen.

The four stared quietly at one another. 

“This is an interesting dinner, eh?” Jack finally offered.

“That’s one way of putting it,” Bitty said. “I didn’t even bring pie.”

Ransom was about to say something when Lardo and Shitty returned.

Shitty cleared his throat and said, “Presenting… Fluffy Mackerel Puddings!”

Bitty gripped Jack’s knee under the table as Lardo and Shitty gave everyone a ramekin filled with an odd looking gelatinous grey substance with specks of green in it. 

Also, inexplicably, there was a slice of hard boiled egg on top. And the smell… Well, it was difficult to distinguish what was what in regards to the smells because the egg and fish competed against one another and the end result was a sulfurous fishing bait aroma.

“What... is it?” Ransom asked.

Jack raised his eyebrow at Holster who shrugged.

“Fluffy mackerel pudding,” Lardo said simply.

Bitty’s eyes remained glued to the ramekin before him.

“Well, you start with canned mackerel,” Shitty said, “which lemme tell you, is something else. I thought it would look more like a can of tuna fish. Fucking spoiler alert, it doesn’t.”

“He actually gagged,” Lardo said with a laugh.

“Then I smooshed it through a food grinder along with some celery and green pepper,” Shitty continued, “tossed in some spices and two eggs, then boop, into the oven.”

Lardo threw Shitty a kiss, and Shitty shimmied in his chair.

“I premade them, so they’d be fresh outta the oven for you. I put them in the oven when we sat down and here you have it. Fully mackerel pudding with a little hard-boiled egg for garnish. Eat up, everyone.”

Bitty glanced at Jack sideways, as Jack slowly picked up his spoon.

“I’m afraid I’m allergic to mackerel,” Bitty said. 

“Since when?” Jack asked with raised eyebrow.

“Birth,” Bitty said quickly. “Since birth. Darn.”

Everyone watched and waited for Jack to take the first bite. His spoon went in like a hot knife through butter.

A plume of fishy steam curled up and out…

Jack scooped out a spoonful and Bitty leaned in closer as Jack opened his mouth and shoved it in.

He chewed thoughtfully.

“So, Jacko. What do you think?”

Jack finally swallowed and immediately took a sip of water.

“I think it’s, euh, very fluffy,” Jack offered. 

Ransom wilted a bit as he reached for his spoon and Bitty quietly, and smugly, sipped on his drink. 

“Blame it on the bossa nova, with its magic spell! Blame it on the bossa nova,” Shitty sang, “that he did so well…”

  


“How did everyone enjoy the fish course?”

“It was interesting, Shits,” Jack said. “Really interesting.”

“For our next course, we have the salad course,” Shitty said as he rose. “I’ll go get it.”

“I love salads,” Bitty cried out. 

“This one has carrots, celery, cabbage--it’s perfection,” Lardo said as she kissed her fingers in a dramatic chef kiss. “In fact, it’s called the Perfection Salad.”

“Drum roll, please,” Shitty said as he came in with a platter and placed it in the center of the table.

“Ta-dah!” Lardo said and took a picture with her phone.

A three-tiered jello mold appeared before them; wibbling and wobbling like an angry primordial ooze. Inside was what appeared to be various shredded vegetables. 

“Is that… a jello mold?” Bitty asked as his hands slowly lifted toward his mouth. 

“Sure is! Although, we prefer to call it aspic,” Lardo replied. 

"So that’s the salad?" Holster asked. 

"Yep, isn't it perfect? I guess that's why they call it Perfection Salad,” Shitty said.

“What exactly is inside it?” Ransom asked and pushed the plate slightly to watch the jello wiggle.

“Carrots, celery, cabbage, pepper and some pimiento for a little zip,” Shitty said. 

“You didn't think the jello itself--” Jack began.

“Aspic,” Shitty interrupted.

“You didn't think the _aspic_ itself was enough... zip?” 

Jack watched as Ransom poked it with his knife.

Shitty laughed and waved Jack off. “Pshaw! Time to try some perfection. It was a total pain in the aspic to get it out of the mold, but worth it!” 

“Who wants the first slice?” Lardo asked.

“Bittle,” Jack said quickly.

“ _Maudit_ ,” Bitty muttered under his breath.

Lardo smiled and cut up six slices. She placed one on everyone’s plate and smiled a most brilliant smile.

“Thanks, Lards,” Bitty said weakly.

“Go ahead, Bits. Tell us what you think,” Jack said and pushed Bitty’s plate closer to him.

“Um… m’kay. Let’s see here,” Bitty said as he cut a piece off with his fork. It jiggled as it made its way into Bitty’s open mouth. 

“Well,” Bitty said out of the side of his mouth as he chewed, “it’s very sweet. I didn’t expect it to be this sweet. It’s very, very... sweet. Sweet Mary, yep, that’s a sweet salad.”

“Oh, that’s just the apple juice in there.”

“Hmm,” Bitty hummed as a string of cabbage hung out of his tight-lipped grimace.

Shitty and Lardo smiled broadly and gestured for their friends to try it.

“Oh, who wants another martini?” Lardo asked. 

Everyone immediately shot up their hand.

“Shits, wanna help?”

“Sure thing, toots,” Shitty said and followed Lardo into the kitchen.

Ransom, Holster, Bitty, and Jack each stared at each other quietly until Jack spoke.

“I feel like we’re having Dinner by Dante…” Jack whispered. “What circle of hell is this?”

“Aspic? More like ass pick,” Ransom grumbled. “Dudes, I was all for eating the stuff and having fun but there’s fun, and then there’s just plain ol’ masochism.”

“What are you two talking about?” Holster cried out as he ate another spoonful of the jellied salad. “Rans, if you’re not gonna eat yours, I will.”

“Why would they make those things?” Bitty asked. “It’s almost like they did it on a dare or something.”

Jack pinched the bridge of his nose and for a moment, it looked as though he were crying. 

“Sweetheart, are you okay?” Bitty asked as he rubbed Jack’s back gently. “He’s broken! They’ve broken him!”

Jack’s laughter grew as he wiped the corners of his eyes. 

“ _Crisse_ , they got us! They got us good. We have to eat this. We have to eat this or else they’ll know they’ve won.”

“What do you mean?” Ransom asked with a horrified expression as Holster happily ate his salad.

“Bitty’s right. This obviously is some sort of dare meal--or whatever--and if we don’t eat it all, we’ll be total losers,” Jack replied.

“Why would they go through so much trouble?” Ransom asked.

“Because they can!” Jack said in a hushed whisper.

“Oooo, those little so-and-so’s,” Bitty said as he clenched his fists.

“Quick!” Ransom said, “Put it here! We can throw it out later.” 

He pulled out a quart-size plastic baggie from his pocket.

“Why do you have a Ziploc in your jacket pocket?” Bitty asked.

“It’s Holsters doggie bag--for leftovers. He always brings one and makes me bring one, too.”

“Lord, you two,” Bitty said as he passed his plate over to Ransom.

Holster, meanwhile, continued to eat.

“Just two courses, left!” Shitty said as he raised his martini in a friendly toast. “I know how busy we all are, so I’m just glad we could come together to eat, drink and be merry.”

“Hear, hear,” Jack replied.

“So Shitty and Lards, um, what inspired your menu this evening?” Bitty asked.

Lardo shrugged and said, “Sometimes, inspiration just comes to you in the most unexpected places. We just wanted to make a memorable meal for you all.”

She took her drink and took a long, slow sip and she maintained eye contact with Shitty and he wagged his eyebrows and smirked.

“Lord,” Bitty mumbled.

“What’s next?” Ransom asked as he visibly steeled himself for the next course.

“Fifth course is the meat course, of course. The main event, the main course,” Shitty said. His monocle popped off and Shitty quickly readjusted it. 

“Of course,” Bitty said with a frown.

The two got up and walked out of the dining room.

“The meat course,” Bitty whispered, “hell, that could be anything!”

“They’re not going to serve us like camel or alligator or something like that… are they?” Ransom asked.

“Who knows!” Jack said. “Like Bits said, it could be anything. Anything!”

“Then after that, all that’s left is what I’m guessing will be dessert, and how bad can they mess that up?” Ransom asked.

“Oh, they better not even try,” Bitty said with clenched fists.

“I don’t know what you three are complaining about. I, for one, am a grateful and happy friend who is enjoying his meal, thank you very much,” Holster said and was then immediately pelted with several dinner napkins.

“Here we come,” Shitty announced loudly. Everyone scrambled to get back into their seats. Ransom adjusted the baggies of aspic in the pockets of his jacket, which hung off the back of his chair.

“We present to you, the main course,” Lardo said as Shitty placed a silver cloche-covered tray on the table.

“Banana Ham Hollandaise,” Shitty said and removed the cloche with a dramatic flourish.

“Holy banana, Batman,” Ransom called out faintly as they all stared at the unholy union of six bananas, peeled and spooning each other, each one wrapped in a slice of deli ham and then smothered in a very bright yellow sauce.

“Is… that… the hollandaise?” Bitty asked in a near whisper.

“Sure is!” Shitty replied.

“On bananas?” Jack said. “Wrapped with ham?”

“And slathered in mustard, too,” Lardo added.

“Sweet!” Holster replied as he helped himself to a banana.

“Everyone, dig in, there’s one for each of us,” Shitty said as he laughed. “They were so easy to make, especially since we used instant hollandaise sauce mixes.”

“Hollandaise… from a packet?” Bitty cried out.

Jack physically restrained Bitty as Lardo and Shitty clinked their glasses together none the wiser.

After much effort, the Banana Ham Hollandaise was soon gone--or at the very least smashed to look as though they had been mostly eaten.

Shitty patted his tummy as he let out a teeny burp. 

“How’d everyone like the bananas? A little sweet, a little savory--a lotta good.” 

He wagged his eyebrows as Bitty looked at him with murderous eyes.

“You have a little schmear of hollandaise on your upper lip there, Bitster,” Shitty said.

Bitty picked up his napkin and aggressively wiped at his mouth. 

“Thank you, Bertrand,” he said curtly.

Lardo smiled with a twinkle in her eye. “Okay, who wants some coffee and dessert?”

No one replied.

“Really? Come on you guys, it’s the pièce de résistance,” Lardo said.

“Euh, sure, Lardo. I’d love some coffee and dessert.”

“That Jack,” Shitty said as he pointed at Jack with his thumb, “forever the polite fucking Canadian. Lards, my dear, do you require my assistance?”

“Sure,” Lardo replied. “Come on, Mr. Man.”

The two left the dining room once again and the room was silent save for someone’s obnoxiously loud stomach gurgle.

“Sorry,” Jack said sheepishly. “That was me.”

“I’m sure we’ll all be sorry later this evening,” Ransom said. 

All four of them chuckled. 

“I’m sorry if I was being a little shit tonight,” Bitty said. “I just… y’all know how important food is to me… and I might have been a little snippy.”

“You? Snippy? Nooo,” Holster said.

“Har-har,” Bitty said. “Well, I promise that whatever comes out next for dessert, I will just appreciate the effort my friends--whom I adore with all my heart--have put into it.”

“That’s the spirit, Bits,” Jack said.

“Besides, it’s dessert. How bad can it be?” Ransom added reassuringly.

“Gentlemen, we present, the Jelly Bean Circus Cake,” Shitty exclaimed as the two of them, emerged carrying a platter with a large frosted cake sitting on top.

The cake had a sickly looking beige (presumably) chocolate frosting; valentine heart candies, jelly beans, and animal crackers were pressed onto every possible surface area of the cake. Finally, on top of the cake, licorice and hard candy sticks made the poles of an ersatz carousel where a tiny paper pennant sat. It was a child’s dream and a dentist’s worst nightmare. 

“What the fuck is that?!” Bitty yelled out when he saw the cake. “Are you two out of your gotdamn minds?!” 

Everyone turned to look at Bitty, who at this point covered his mouth with both hands in mortification. Ransom and Holster began to cackle. And soon, Jack, Lardo, and Shitty joined in as well.

“Oh my god!” Bitty said in between laughs. “I am so sorry!”

“Holy shit,” Lardo wheezed. “You said ‘gotdamn!’ I can’t breathe!”

Shitty, put the cake down, and said, “Fuck, that was funny! And kudos to you all for keeping it together this long.”

Once everyone’s laughter died down, Jack spoke up.

“So, Shits... I just have one question. Why?”

Shitty snorted. “I found the recipe box at the antique mall in Cambridge, and we just thought it would be hilarious to throw a vintage food dinner party.”

“Dudes, you should have seen some of the meals we rejected because we thought they were too much,” Lardo said.

“And there was no rhyme or reason--or even purpose for the night, mainly, we just wanted to have fun,” Shitty continued.

“Well,” Lardo began, “that’s not necessarily true. I wanted tonight to be a memorable meal for one very good reason...” 

Everyone turned to look at Lardo, who reached into her dress pocket and pulled something out of it. They all leaned in to take a closer peek. It was a small velvet box. Lardo opened it to reveal a black titanium band.

“Shitty, I’m asking you tonight, here, in front of the people we most love--in front of our family--do you wanna get hitched?”

Shitty looked at her and didn’t say a word. He then let out a strangled sob and nodded. A small piece of aspic that had been stuck in his mustache most of the evening plopped onto the floor.

“Yes, Larissa Phuong Duan. Yes! I would be eternally grateful to be your life partner and become a Duan,” Shitty yelled out as he scrambled toward her.

Everyone cheered and applauded as Shitty scooped Lardo into his arms and the two passionately kissed.

“This is the best dinner party, ever!" Bitty cried out as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Jack, I have some champagne in the fridge, can you open it?” Lardo said with laughter in between Shitty’s kisses.

“Hell yes!” Jack said.

“And for the love of fuck, can we order some pizza?” Shitty added.

“YES!” Everyone cried out at the same time.

And so, the tiny Samwell family celebrated the engagement of B. Shitty Knight and Larissa Phuong Duan. They celebrated with laughter, love, pizza, and champagne well into the night. It truly was the best dinner party.

**Author's Note:**

> **The Menu**
> 
> Course 1: [Mushroom Canapes](https://dynaimage.cdn.cnn.com/cnn/q_auto,w_900,c_fill,g_auto,h_506,ar_16:9/http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.cnn.com%2Fcnnnext%2Fdam%2Fassets%2F170109140505-mushroom-canapes.jpg)
> 
> Course 2: [Cold Tomato Soup](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--p_7xIHmr7s/UgL_qvOnf0I/AAAAAAAAIho/RHXOAE-qz2E/s1600/004.jpg)
> 
> Course 3: [Fluffy Mackerel Pudding](https://vintagerecipecards.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/fluffy_mackerel.jpg)
> 
> Course 4: [Perfection Salad](https://vintagerecipecards.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/perfection_salad.jpg)
> 
> Course 5: [Banana Ham Hollandaise](https://i.redd.it/ink0dr9fx4x01.jpg)
> 
> Course 6: [Jelly Bean Circus Cake](https://vintagerecipecards.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/jelly_bean_circus_cake.jpg)
> 
> Maudit = Damn. (Bitty's learned some Quebecois swearing during his time with Jack, y'all.)
> 
> Come and say [hi on Tumblr](http://wrathofthestag.tumblr.com/post/179701097049/the-dinner-party). 
> 
> All OMGCP characters belong to Ngozi Ukazu.


End file.
